Entry 19891228 - Bethany Krajick _December 28, 1989, Milford, Ohio_ "Hi, Fran," Bethany Krajick said when she walked into Doctor Mercer's office on Thursday afternoon. "Hi, Bethany. Can I get you some coffee or tea?" "Tea, please." Doctor Mercer got up and opened a packet of Earl Grey, put the bag into a mug, then poured hot water from an electric kettle into the mug. She handed the full mug to Bethany. "Who brought you?" "My dad. He'll come back when I call him." "And your son?" "With my mom." "I know how this sounds, but how are you?" "I honestly don't know," Bethany replied, emotionlessly. "Numb, I guess." "Have you decided to stay in Milford?" "I honestly think that's best. I have to move off base, obviously, and I really don't think I'm up to trying to find a place for Nicholas and me, and doing all the things I'd need to do. I thought about asking Steve to move into his house, because it's perfectly located, he has a nanny, and he'd provide all the support I need, but I decided that wasn't a good idea. That kind of left my parents' house, which I think is best; they'll help and you're here." Doctor Mercer was relieved, as she felt that Bethany would fall right back into the pattern of her life before Nick, including restarting her sexual relationship with Steve, which Doctor Mercer believed would do far more harm than good. "I think you made the right decision." Bethany smiled wanly, "You've never really understood my relationship with Steve. Nobody has ever helped me the way he has." 'Or hurt you,' Doctor Mercer thought, but didn't say, then quickly pushed that thought out of her mind because it was Josh Benton, the serial rapist, who had hurt Bethany and set in motion the entire chain of events. But Steve was married, had what amounted to mistresses, and had kids, and Doctor Mercer was worried how interacting with Steve would affect not just Bethany, but his entire family. She decided to change the subject, as Bethany had already made a good decision, and there was no point in have a discussion which might cause Bethany to change her mind. "Have you thought about practicing here?" "Yes. I'd need to get an Ohio license, and until then, I'd have to work under supervision. I'd hoped you would do that for me." "Bethany, you need time to grieve," Doctor Mercer said gently. "Have you even started?" "After the funeral tomorrow," Bethany replied. "But I can't sit around in black mourning clothes." Doctor Mercer frowned slightly. Bethany's comment about being 'numb' indicated she was suffering from psychological shock, and at some point, the suppressed emotions would come crashing through the stoic exterior. That said, allowing Bethany to see a very limited number of clients would likely help her, IF she showed she was emotionally ready. "I agree, though I want you to take some time to mourn, and want you to spend some time with Nicholas and your family and friends. We can talk after the first of the year about the timing, but if you want to do that, I'll want to see you a few times a week for the next month. How have you been sleeping?" "My sleep schedule has been a mess since Nick was shot. Traveling from Guam and not really having a chance to get settled hasn't helped. Last night was probably the best sleep I've had." "And your diet?" "I'm eating some, even though I'm not really hungry." "Your first task is taking care of yourself, Bethany. Eating properly and getting sufficient sleep are both vital. You won't be able to care for Nicholas if you don't care for yourself." "I know," Bethany sighed. "I just need to get through tomorrow." "Who's escorting you?" "Howard Pointe. One of Nick's closest friends. He's been with Nick from the time the plane arrived from Guam. Everyone from Chicago will be here." "That's good. Do you want to talk about anything in particular?" Bethany sighed and shook her head, "No. Let me get through tomorrow first." "OK, but then I want to see you on Saturday. You know why." Bethany smiled, "You do know that I didn't sleep through my classes, right?" _December 29, 1989, Milford, Ohio_ "Thanks again for taking the day off to come with me, Sam," Doctor Mercer said to her husband early on Friday afternoon. "You're welcome. Are you ready?" "I suppose. I feel like...I don't know how I feel. What more can happen to that poor girl?" "You've never shared the original reason she came to see you, but I can surmise. Add to that the accident and now losing her husband? I can't even begin to imagine how she's able to function. Well, I can, and that's because you've helped her." "She has a good support network, too, though..." She stopped because she had to maintain Bethany's privacy; and Steve's. "What's bothering you, Fran?" Fran smiled wanly, "You know I can't tell you." "I wish I could help." "You do! You're here when I need you, even if I can't talk about my patients. And you seem to know exactly what I need!" Sam laughed, "I do enjoy it when you need to work off your stress!" "All men are inherently pigs!" Doctor Mercer laughed. "But I love you anyway!" "It's the testosterone! And you have never ONCE objected! And now that you're not quite so morose, shall we go?" "Yes." They left the house, got into Sam's car, and drove to Greenlawn Cemetery. Sam parked the car and as they got out, the hearse arrived, along with the Naval contingent. Sam and Fran walked over to join the other mourners as the coffin was carried by Navy pall bearers to the gravesite and placed on the stand with pulleys that would eventually lower Nick into the ground. A short distance away, the Navy men who would provide the gun salute had assembled, and some distance from them, a lone sailor with a bugle stood, awaiting a command to play _Taps_. A few minutes later, Doctor Mercer saw Steve Adams and his extended family arrive. Steve was, in Doctor Mercer's mind, a double-edged sword. He could help Bethany, but if they fell back into their old pattern, he could hurt her quite badly. It was something to watch out for, and potentially discuss with Steve, though privately and without telling Bethany, who arrived, escorted by a Naval officer. She was dressed in black and carrying Nicholas, and was led to a set of chairs where Nick's parents were already seated. The officer took his place behind Bethany, and next to her parents. At 1:00pm, a Navy chaplain gave a short benediction, and then asked Howard to say a few words. Howard gave a short eulogy, and when he finished, the chaplain led everyone in the Lord's Prayer, though Fran and Sam refrained from voicing the Christian prayer, and instead silently prayed 'Blessed are You, Lord, our G-d, King of the universe, the Judge of Truth', the same as Doctor Mercer had prayed when she'd first heard of Nick's death. She and Sam weren't observant, but the touchstone of the rituals was comforting at time. The officer in charge of the ceremony signaled another officer, who gave the commands to the riflemen and three volleys of rifle shots rang out, punctuating the quiet of the dull, overcast, December day. Immediately following the final volley, the bugler began playing _Taps_. Fran took Sam's hand and squeezed it, and leaned on his shoulder as a team of sailors removed the flag from Nick's coffin, and quickly and expertly folded it, and one of them handed it to an officer who brought the flag to Bethany and said the usual words to her. With the ceremony concluded, Fran started to move towards Bethany but stopped when she saw Bethany hand Nicholas to someone, then walk over to Steve. When Steve held out his arm and Bethany lopped hers around it, Doctor Mercer frowned and shook her head. It was no surprise that she'd seek comfort and support from Steve, but as she'd thought earlier, that relationship was fraught with danger, and both of them might well be oblivious to the pitfalls. It was something to discuss with Bethany in the morning. "We can go," Doctor Mercer said to her husband. "You don't want to talk to her?" Sam asked. "Oh, I do, but I'll wait until I see her tomorrow morning." "You're worried about that young man she's with?" "You know I can't say." "No, but I can surmise. You're a good counselor, Fran. You'll get her through this." "Some days I wonder," Fran sighed. "But I never do!" her husband declared. _December 30, 1989, Milford, Ohio_ "I knew you'd react this way," Bethany said after Doctor Mercer expressed her concerns about Steve. "But it's not what you thought!" "What do you mean?" "I was supporting Steve, not the other way around! I'm not sure if you saw it, but the gun salute and _Taps_ really hit him hard. When I talked to him, I discovered that he's stopped writing in his journals. He used them as a combination of catharsis and as a way to try to make sense of the world. He can't make any sense of what's happened." "Nobody can make sense of a senseless act," Doctor Mercer replied gently. "No, they can't," Bethany replied. "But Steve being Steve, he thinks he has to carry the burden of the world and he's struggling to find meaning after Nick's death." "And you?" "Nicolas has to be my meaning. For him and for me. That said, I do need Steve's help; and Kathy's, too." "I'm concerned, Bethany." "Don't be. We're in exactly the right place. He called me 'Sweetheart'..." Doctor Mercer interrupted her, "Bethany, we've talked about this." "You didn't let me finish! He called me that, but I pointed out that our relationship has to be different. I need him. He's been my best friend for a long, long time. I want him to be." "I'm just afraid where that kind of intimacy will lead." "I know. But you know how much he's helped me since ninth grade - with recovering from the rape, with recovering from the accident, and with recovering from our failed romantic relationship." "I know, and that's what has me worried. Your 'solution' to each of those was physical intimacy." "It was, and one of the reasons I decided to come back to Milford was that I needed some separation, but not so much that he and Kathy can't help. I briefly considered asking to move in with him, as I said, but decided that was a bad idea. I need him, and he needs me. But as friends." Doctor Mercer took a deep breath and let it out. "Your friendship with Steve is more intimate than most marriages, Bethany." "I know. And that's why we couldn't marry, as crazy as it sounds." "Have you cried?" "No." "You should." Bethany nodded, "I will, when it's time."